Kingly Dalliances - Part Deux

My Dear, Dear Subjects,

When I gave you a tour of our lovely castles, I did not go into great detail. I have yet to post interior photos, an omission I will rectify in the coming weeks. There are two interior photos I wish to present to you today, however, in light of the recent unfortunate event that occurred at my lovely daughter's christening.

If you will recall, I took great exception to the presence of two guests at the festivities. One was my my husband's unfortunate cousin, the former Governor Blago. Well what can one do about family, hmmm? The other guest is NOT family, never WAS family, and never WILL BE family. Of course, you know that I refer to one of my husband's mistresses.

Now you know that I could give a hoot if my husband dallies with a cute face here and a cute rump there, but for her to show up at my sweet Princess Sierra Myst's christening - COMPLETE UNACCEPTABLE! AND, to add insult to maiming, she harassed my good cousin Steven Spielberg about her acting career! The nerve!

Well. I am the Queen, and must not sully myself with displays of angst. But my spies are ferreting out her identity (the King would not tell me, the old b-- charmer, bless him). They have giving me D. McFadden as an identifier, but have yet to provide a definitive identity. Rest assured, I will know by week's end or heads will roll!

Speaking of torture, this brings me to today's interior photos!

The above is the dungeon of the castle. Chilling isn't it? We rarely have to use it, but when we do, it is inescapable. I have the keys; the King does not.

While it is formidable,



I prefer the smaller facilities under my personal castle (and Yes, Reginald, I know you are waiting, but a Queen's work is never done). Charming, isn't it? Just as formidable, but somehow ... cozier. And, again, I hold the only keys.


D. McFadden should remember that.

And Rumplebumble might keep an eye looking over his tiny shoulder as well.

The Female of the species!

Kingly Dalliances

Okay, you know what?

I am a well-centered Queen. Still-raging hormones aside, I steer through life with a balanced mind, courtesy of my up-bringing and the blessings of Goddess.

But. There. Are. Limits.

I am well aware that I am not the only love of my husband's life. He was married previously (Goddess rest the Former Queen's Soul ). And, he has his silly Royal Mistresses (one pictured here on the ... Oh find it yourself!), as surely as I have my silly Royal Misters (and yes, Her Serene Princess Sierra Myst is the King's - there was a blood test of some sort).

But. Did. I Mention. There. Are. Limits?

How DARE one of his Miss Things attend my ... I mean our daughter's baptism??? The NERVE!

Did I let Reginald attend? No indeed! He's back at the Shore Castle where he belongs!

Now, the King attempted to deny that she was his, but I am not fool. And, I have spies. Seems she's some actress type and has been dallying with His Royal Hot Pants in an effort to further her career. AND, she was seen to be shamelessly chatting up my cousin Steven Spielberg! Honestly! The NERVE.

Now my spies have only unearthed a partial name: D. McFadden. But, it is only a matter of time before I know all. Then there will be hell to pay!

I hope she likes living in the desert.

Truth will out!

Christening Jewels

Oh My Dearest Subjects! I was VERY excited when my lovely husband, the King, presented me with this lovely crown on the occasion of our daughter's baptism!

Tasteful, no?

When you see me on the street, do pause to see how it makes my eyes sparkle!

And, don't worry - I grilled him quite closely on where he obtained the funds to purchase it. As CFO, I keep a tight rein on the Royal Purse Strings! But Sneaky King has a slush fund from way back, so what's a Queen-CFO to do?

And, it IS much more fiscally responsible (not to mention more attractive) that the royal crown of the Queen of England.

Don't you think?




Tasteful is as tasteful does!

You Can Take the Princess Out of the Night Club, But ...

And, then, My Dear Subjects, there was my sister.

I cannot for the life of me understand why I am surrounded by so many idiots ... I mean creative individuals!

Princess Q (that would be Quanda, but from an early age, that was too much for her to say on a regular basis). Yes. Indeed.

Princess Q graciously traveled from holiday in Tahiti to her Glorious Niece and Serene Highness Princess Sierra Myst's baptism. Yea!

No, really. Yea!

Maybe it was the snide comments she made about my doddering ... I mean dashing husband. Does she think I do not know who I married? Maybe it was the hot pink cami she wore to the Royal Temple. And, that coral lip gloss. Did we spring from the same mother? Maybe it was the drunken, blonde model she brought to the festivities. At one point the Royal Guard had to drag his a-- ... him out of the Holy Reflection Pool. Where does she find these guys? OK he did have a nice a-- ... demeanor, but really.

I know she dropped out of Yale. And Oxford. And Princeton. And USC. And the Culinary Institute, but surely she has a modicum of at least common sense!

I will admit that she got on my last nerve when she started sniping about the pork medallions. Like she did not flunk proteins at the Institute. All right, so I decked her. My hormones are still raging. I apologized. Through my PO (Protocol Officer).

Discipline is an art!

Good Cousins

On the other hand, my Dearest Royal Subjects, there are cousins who behave with the utmost of decorum and grace. My Most Cherished Cousin (and now President of the USA, Goddess Bless Him!) Barack Obama took a breather from his Conference of the Americas to attend his cousin, Her Most Stinky ... I mean Serene Highness Princess Sierra Myst's baptism!

My dear husband and King was shocked that he made the trip whilst the world is shaking with so many events of great importance, but I wasn't surprised at all. Family is everything to my side of the family!

In fact, cousin Barack did not even mind when Sweet Sierra vomited on his tie. Of course he didn't! I mean, traditionally, what are ties for?

The only blot on the sunbeam of my cousin's visit was when I talked to him about an economic treaty based on palm oil, and King butted in ... I mean asserted that he had made a similar deal with the Bangladeshis. Bangladeshis? Huh? Time to confiscate his Royal Cell Phone!

Patience is in the hands of the Goddess!

Bad Cousins

My Dear Royal Subjects,

Now, you KNOW I am not one to complain.
And you KNOW that I welcome EVERYONE. How many times have I invited you all to the castles, no matter how much mead and Kamikazes you drink (and vomit in the garden), but even your Humble Whilst Being Fabulous Queen has her limits.

A certain Royal Cousin (without connections, mind you) who shall remain nameless (psst! photo on the left. No, your other left) came to our Sweet and Royal Highness Princess Sierra Myst's baptism, and proceeded to TAINT it. Yes, indeed.

It seems this certain Royal Cousin (without connections, mind you) has had a bit of a stramach (that's trouble to you non-Scottish types) of the legal kind recently. Well, we all have troubles at one time or the other. Well, most of us anyway. And, when we have troubles - especially those of our own doing - we tend to try to keep a low profile. You know: stand in a corner; avoid the RP (Royal Photographer for those of you who don't read RPM - that's Royal Protocol Magazine); try not to piss off the Queen.

But noooo. This certain cousin stood front and center with the King (his cousin, not mine), and tell everyone who would listen how the Rios legal system was trying to railroad him. How he was innocent of those awful corruption charges (recordings of which are mysteriously available all over the net). And how dark forces were trying to strip him of his credentials (I asked him which credentials he spoke of, but he changed the subject rather rudely for a commoner).

Now, he wants to be on a game show, or reality show, or some such. How unseemly can one former Royal Governor be? I wanted to call the RRN (Rios Royal Network for you anti-TV types), but the King said that was beneath me.

Sometimes I wonder who the King thinks he married.

Rios for the Righteous!

Sierra Myst!

My Dear Subjects,

Please forgive my recalcitrance in blogging the past few days, but the castle was a bit in a tizzy over the official baptism of Her Serene (yeah, right) Highness Princess Sierra Myst! Yes, yes, we have had seven pre-baptisms during the past month to mollify the natives ... I mean enthusiastic subjects of the realm, but this is the real and truly OFFICIAL baptism, complete with official Royal Baptismal photo (see left. No, your other left). The King even wore his sword, and the platform shoes ensured that it wouldn't drag on the ground this time.

Of course there will be commemorative plates and cups and champagne glasses and blankies and rattles and ... oh, honestly. YES, we'll get the baubles out to you pronto! In the meantime, rest assured that Sierra Myst is really, truly and officially under the protection of the Goddess! And, she only did that projectile vomiting thing ONCE during the ceremony, so there MUST be divine intervention.

Blessed Be!

On the Occasion of my 26th Birthday

Thanks to all who sent warm birthday wishes! A Queen could not hope for more loving and loyal subjects! I tell the King all the time that we are blessed! And, today I wish to count my blessings.

I have a loving husband and beautiful baby. I am the Queen of the finest land on Earth. My subjects are intelligent, creative, innovative, interesting, attractive, entertaining and brave. I steer an economy that hums along, even as the rest of the world struggles. And, the magical creatures of the realm bestow their powers for our overall benefit.

But, I was always blessed!

My childhood was beautiful. Growing up in my father's kingdom of Ciarlan was one long summer's day. The skies were always blue, the sun shone, rain fell when everyone was busy elsewhere, and the gardens rioted with flowers. Everyone sang all day long, and every child was brilliant.

I excelled at math and finance, so my parents sent me to Harvard, then the London School of Economics. What a fascinating time! I learned so much, and as you all know, that is where I met your king. How sad that he lost his first wife, your Queen Bea so soon after we met. Though I would wish no such loss on anyone, I was gratified to be in a position to bring him happiness and pleasure. I know some say our whirlwind romance was a tad ... speedy but love cannot be denied.

Now I am pleased to bring all my love, talents, economic expertise, as well as my sense of style and fun to my beloved Rios!

Well, on to the party. If you have time, do drop in!

My good fortune is your good fortune!

We Have Always Lived in a Castle ...

... but your Queen realizes that not everyone does. A loyal subject recently asked for a travelogue of our residences, so here you are!

Castle Rio is the Royal Homestead. The King was born and raised here, so you know how old THIS castle is. Surrounded by lush fields and forest teeming with game, this estate generates much income for the state coffers, and it trickles down to YOU! We pride ourselves in ensuring that our lands are open to our subjects for hunting, fishing and picnicking (not all in one place, mind you. Castle Rio has hosted every monarch and national leader on Earth (That Idi Amin was a bit much, I hear, but I was not hosting at the time).

The Spring Castle

I suffer from that season disease where lack of light depresses me, so my loving husband, the King commissioned this for me! High up in the peaks of Rios, this castle receives so much light, I am positively giddy! My ladies in waiting accompany me. They say it's me, but I know it's the world-class spa facilities. Come on down! We're open to the public too!

Ahhhh

Don't those waters look inviting? This is Castle Summer. When June is bustin' out all over, My Liege carts us all off for a bit of respite. Unfortunately, the King has balked at opening this lovely home to the public, but I am working on it! The Royal Water Slide is to die for!

Now you all know this one! Castle Renaissance is the home of our prestigious Late Summer Games! Olympic Rowing, Track and Field, Scottish Log Throwing, Greco-Roman Wrestling, we have it all! And, think of all the opportunities for romance once the sun sets. Ooo-La-La! I mean, Go Team!

Castle Autumn. Never been there. Too busy working on the Annual Budget. Anyone have something to say about it?

Ahh! Castle Holiday! Deck the Halls! Deck the Walls! Drink the Punch! Sing songs until dawn! I love the holidays, and after a year of making the Kingdom the best it can be, don't we all deserve a party? Grab your sleigh bells and come for a cool Yule! Blessed Be!

And, finally there is Castle Fortress of the High Pass. The Secret Service, the Central Protection Agency and a slew of other Men in Black quarter here. Not sure I can say more. But there are so many other castles to visit, no one much cares about this one.

Well, that's the castle fly-by! Drop by my people.

I mean it!

Sierra Mist and Me By Your Neck!

I am oh so very, very excited to announce the release of a new and stunning piece of royal jewelry: The Sierra Myst Nativity Commemorative Locket! Designed by the finest artisans in all the land, this royal bauble is the perfect celebration of my dear one's birth.

And, even better - it's free - yes, free to all citizens of Rios!

Now, I know what you are thinking: 

"In these challenging economic times, how, oh, how can we afford to give away such a beautiful (18k gold, mind you) locket for free? Is the Queen channelling her inner Marie Antoinette (poor unfortunate thing, the Goddess rest her soul)?"

Certainly not!

In these challenging economic times, it is important to keep our economy humming, churning, soaring. The business of Rios is business, don't you know! And, since we seem to have been blessed with a surplus of gold lately (due to the largess of a certain magical creature who shall remain nameless) I thought, what better way to stimulate the lagging luxury sector than to put it to work.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

Look for your lovely locket via royal courier soon!

Rios is blessed indeed!

Welcome Loyal Subjects!

By Popular demand, Your Queen has entered the blogosphere!

Due to the tsunami of activity occurring in our wonderful and prosperous Kingdom, I had to agree that a Queen's Diary (of sorts) was not only appropriate but necessary. Even though I am so very busy. Even though I am up all night with a new baby that the King cannot seem to hear crying - though he can always hear the dinner bell. Even though I have a country to run, and the King spends more time toddling around the golf course that attending to ...

Well! Every woman has her work cut out for her!

So here we go!

Today, what YOU need to know is:

Although the entire nation is in economic meltdown, the finances of the Kingdom are SOUND. As Chief Financial Officer of the Kingdom, I was quite leery of investing in those dubious sub-prime securities. I mean, who thought THAT was a good idea. Rope the financially challenged into financially challenging loans? And, when that Maddoff creature came calling, well, I called the guards!

Luckily, the Kingdom of Rios paid off it's World Bank loans upon my ascension to the throne three years ago. Thank the Goddess we are blessed with natural resources to rival any nation. Gold (I have a secret weapon for that!), silver, platinum, uranium, coal, oil, coastal fisheries, arable land to rival the US. With a sound hand (and yes I have two!) we are in the Queen-Bird Seat. So not worry. We are wonderfully positioned to prosper through ten millennium.

So, if you see my husband, the King, please tell him how happy you are, won't you?

We Are! Rios!